Why now?

So in the last blog I posted about how I am now feeling a lot from the past few months. Today is a raw day for me. I am tired, but for a good reason! The hubby and I had pillow talk for like two hours in the middle of the night. I love our random moments like that, especially when he is the only one I can talk to and will understand. I don't understand why now I am feeling so much. I didn't feel this way the first time, when he went through radiation and than when he completed that we went back to life. Why am I now so afraid to go back to life? I am honestly afraid that to go back to life being normal and make a discovery that it is back and I know you can't live your life like that but I feel I am entitled to feel this way right now. It is not easy watching the one person you love and look up to having a hard time just getting the motivation to go make something to eat. Watching the physical change. It's hard not having anyone to talk to and I'm going to be honest I feel horribly guilty about the fact that sometimes I want someone to ask me how I am doing with all of this. I love that my friends ask about Josh and want to know how he is doing but he really isn't the only one going through it. I feel now more than ever I need that, but it is a hard for me to say that. I pride myself in being strong and being the person that people can talk to . I always want to be everything to everybody and I want to mean something to others. I want to fix the world, but I can't. I can't even fix this. Im sorry if I am hurting anyone's feelings but I do feel that it is necessary to give an inside look as to what it is like. Especially being so young and going through this, you feel old, and I look at life differently. I don't care about getting piss as drunk or who is doing what with who. Yeah it makes great conversation but come on, I want quality relationships with the people around me. And I am determined to keep the one's I have. I look at those around us that are our friends and I almost wish I could have that feeling that I used to have before cancer entered our lives. You don't realize what a toll it takes until your in it, which is why I cannot fault anyone for not supporting in the way that I feel I have needed it or josh has. Like Josh said maybe after this we will be good, we will have put our time in and than if anyone else we know goes through this we will know how to really help them. I agree. Another thing is being in social situations with the people that we used to always hangout with and drink and be at the bar or just relationships. I feel like I have a disconnect even to the people I have been friends with for years. I feel so out of the loop it is insane. I look forward to hanging out and on the rare occasion I don't feel the disconnect but most of the time it is there. And maybe it is only there for just me and others can't see it, but I can and I hate it. Like I said I like to feel like I mean something to others and Im not just another body in the room. Watching my husband go through this and feeling the same things that he feels only makes me want to make my time here on this earth valuable. I don't just want to be here, I want to mean something. I can't even explain the guilt I feel sometimes for me even having these feeling while he is going through so much. It makes me feel selfish and I have never seen myself in that way at all. But I guess it's normal? It doesn't feel normal for me.